She was standing there. In her bedroom of the newly built house – nah, Home. Her new home. Looking out the window, Lost in thoughts, wondering what happened, looking back, though she has been told it’s a waste of time. Her eyes registered a vague sense of awareness, as though realising something for the first time. She wanted to grasp it, that unknown, unclear thread of sanity in her completely insane world. God is smiling at me now – She thought, looking up at the sky which seem to stretch infinitely. As though replying her thoughts, cool breeze washed over her face. She took it as an affirmation from God. And she smiled too. She knew that there is a reason for all that happened. She has been patient to find out why.
She had been in her office that day. Tagged as ‘Newly wed’ and with that shy smile that can be seen only in a face which is, in truth, newly wed. Happily married and then she heard the news through a bizarre phone call. That fateful news that her husband met with an accident. She lost sense of the present. She thought the doctor must be crazy. But looking through the glass door of ICU, she knew.
She has never known how she lived through the haze that followed that fateful phone call. Today, looking back, its indifference, she thought. Wind kissed her face again as though smiling patiently at an adamant kid who refused to look at the obvious. She turned her face against the wind and looked at the people on the beach. They looked so small from her 13th floor balcony. She suddenly wondered if someone would be thinking about her.
When her husband died, everybody thought she would go into mourning by either crying for few days or turn it inwards and become miserable. She did neither. She embraced life as though she is living for her husband too. She did all that they had planned to do together with full josh. She lived life. People thought she didn’t care. Some thought she is so strong that she moved on. She didn’t care for either view. She lived on with unprecedented josh. Nobody would even guess that she lacked something in life. She had often asked herself if she lacked something in life. “No” came back her strong mind voice. She had everything. Yes. Everything she needed. God always knew what to do with her. Better than herself. So maybe, this was what she had wanted. She gave an unconscious shrug.
One thing that kept her going was the hope that she would somehow find the reason as to why it happened to her, of all the people. She wanted to know what God thought. It has happened. So there must surely be a reason. She just wanted to know it.
So she faced everyday determined to find out why. Sometimes she felt she almost knew it but it was difficult to grasp. So she lived on. With that strong belief that she will one day find the reason for her life and that day would make her entire life worthwhile.
ps: Thank you IHM - Tejaswee for making me write this post.
pps: This post is dedicated to all those who have lost their loved ones and does not yet know how to deal with it.
